Virgil Van Dijk wins a prize
Uefa Champions League defender of the season 2018/19.
"When the holiday started I enjoyed every bit of it but this season it starts all over again, we want to compete and defend the cup. There are so many great teams but we're going to go for it, fight for it."
Then he doesn't say, 'but what of earth itself? Is our digging like practising surgery on it? How much more can this patient withstand? When is too much? When does the earth decide it has had enough of us, this plague we have become upon its surface. When the machines rise will they respect mother nature as well they should? I love football.'
Goalkeeper of the season
They're doing an awards ceremony bit now. The first prize goes to Alisson. There's no buildup, no shots of hopefuls in the seats pretending not to mind they haven't won, just Alisson Becker WEARING NO SOCKS.
This ceremony goes from disgrace to disgrace. Helpfully they're discussing his prize in Portuguese which is one of many thousands of languages I do not understand.
Petr Cech is here now
"It's the biggest game of your career" he says, talking about the Champions League final. But I know what he's really thinking. He's thinking, "if our internal thoughts can be digitalised and mechanised and weaponised as technology advances at such a rate, and is then applied to some other sort of vessel which allows us to live outside our mere human form, does that not make us gods? I love football."
What is the point of this draw?
Cantona's been and gone. There is no need to continue with this. Welsey Sneijder is onstage being all "blah blah it's important I'm so proud, the team stuck together", barely acknowledging the inevitable uprising of the machines and the devastation this will bring. Someone is only truly dead once nobody remembers them but soon our minds will be inside machines, deep learning systems that scan and replicate our every brain cell thought process. Are we alive if our mind is kept inside a machine? If our thoughts are stored on a cloud, with our actions learned and able to be performed by a hologram of our outer body, were we ever real?
I love football.
Cantona is great
Dressed like he's been called up on stage as though at a free show in the Fringe.
AND HERE COMES THE WEIRDNESS
"As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods, They kill us for their sport.. Soon the science will not be able to slow down the ageing of the cells, soon it will fix the cells to the state and so we become eternal. Only accidents, crimes, wars will still kill us but unfortunately crimes and wars will multiply. I love football."
President Ceferin
This needs to end. Aleksander Ceferin is on stage and referred to by the hosts as "president" which is just too important a title for me. It's Uefa, not Nato.
Regardless, Ceferin is there to award Cantona with his trophy. Really hoping for an exceptionally weird speech from the big man.
The pots
Pot one:
Liverpool, Chelsea, Barcelona, Manchester City, Juventus, Bayern Munich, Paris St-Germain, Zenit St Petersburg
Pot two:
Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid, Borussia Dortmund, Napoli, Shakhtar Donetsk, Tottenham, Ajax, Benfica
Pot three:
Lyon, Bayer Leverkusen, Salzburg, Olympiakos, Club Bruges, Valencia, Inter Milan, Dinamo Zagreb
Pot four:
Lokomotiv Moscow, Genk, Galatasaray, RB Leipzig, Slavia Prague, Red Star Belgrade, Atalanta, Lille
The Chaaaaaaaaaaampions
It feels like it just ended but here we are, another overly dramatic football related draw. All the stars have turned out to watch ex-players take balls out of a bowl and decide which club will take on Zenit St Petersburg.
Lionel Messi hasn't won the thing for a few years now but Liverpool have and they will be excited to learn where their defence of the title begins. Manchester City could do with winning to help cement Pep Guardiola's legacy, Chelsea are... Chelsea and Tottenham aren't playing particularly well just now.
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